Dear ape,

Love your most avid reader

I love the word “whore” when used for anything but actual whoring. I mean, I love that too, but attention-whore, food-whore, fashion-whore. It’s just so damn expressive, I hope it never loses it’s luster. OMG, I’m a toootal advice whore. Most avid reader, let me break down a few things about boys and girls, in the completely stereotyping sense of course. That black-and-white that isn’t always so realistic but would make the world so much easier if it was. When boys start dating, they begin at the peak. The high point, where everything and every action has to do with getting you, the girl they have fallen for, in their bed. For a woman it can be a real whirwind of attention, the kind an attention-whore might love, but also the kind the non-attention whore also appreciates. The sad metaphor here is the old box-and-stick trap that kids from a different era with slingshots in their back pockets used to catch rabbits. That dog-and-pony show you witnessed from first meeting your boyfriend until month six or so was the figurative box, stick, string and bait, and you’re the rabbit.

But what’s little Spanky do when he catches the rabbit? He tosses it in the tin-roofed hutch, playing with it every so often but eventually tiring if the little bunny before going down to the river with his friends to play in the mud. If it weren’t for the fact that his mom feeds it apples and carrots every other day, the rabbit might languish in it’s chicken-wire box, cold and alone. So why doesn’t he set it free or get another rabbit? Because he likes Speckles, and he likes to know that when he does want to play with her, she’ll be there waiting for him. He doesn’t have to go through the whole rigmarole again. Just open the lid and pick her up for an afternoon of companionship. When he’s over it, it’s back to the river for mud, friends and large mugs of frothy birch beer.

With girls, on the other hand, there is no trap. Instead, the rabbit hangs around long enough to interest her into attempting to hand feed the little dude some lettuce. This continues daily until a bond develops and the rabbit happily goes home with her. They fall in love and she hugs it and kisses it and names it George. There are never issues about hanging out or forgetting to call, because that would imply that she and her bunny were interested in much more but each other. Like I’ve already disclaimed, it’s all a lot more complex and exception-filled than that, but you get the gist. Boys go big, then fade, whereas girls slowly (or quickly) ramp up the intensity to a plateau which is hoped to be sustained into the sunset. What you need to do now is get off the computer, kick the plug on his Red Dawn Redemption marathon and look him straight in the eye while saying, “I’m not your fucking rabbit.” Then storm out and go get drunk with friends, not showing back up until the morning.

That. Would. Be. Awesome. But probably not the most effective way to convey what you really need to say. Which is this: you have to get it through his skull that it’s not working for you right now. Of course there is a little give and take to the level of attention you demand, unless you forever want to be chasing the honeymoon with an endless stream of guys, but it sounds like your dude is currently parked too far on the wrong side. At least for what you’re looking for. That doesn’t make one right or one wrong, it’s just a compatibility issue. Some couples get each other’s names tattooed on their foreheads while others sleep in separate beds and take separate vacations. The spectrum of needs is vast.

But you would like a little more. If he can’t be a little more present for you, you’re going to eventually present him with the walking papers. It’s not attention-whoring, it’s just getting what you want out of a relationship. In a lot of ways, the relationship is also like the bunny. If you don’t continue to feed him food, water, and love, he’ll die. So many dudes think once you catch it, you just toss it into the cage and it’s self-sustaining. It’s up to you to paw at the bowl a bit and remind him that you’re pretty fucking hungry for a few carrots right about now. And if he has no interest in feeding you, you have no purpose to be there.