Dear Ape,

I’ve asked many silly questions to lighten the mood in the Single Ape world, but now I have a more serious question. Let’s just say I got out of a relationship with a girl I was very serious with about 2.5 months ago. Unfortunately, she wasn’t that serious with me. Somewhere in the middle of the relationship, she decided to put an ultimatum on the relationship because she was leaving for another country for six months. Somehow, she thought this was a good idea. This decision put me through a lot of emotional stress, given the fact that I had to think about it for six months. Maybe, I am a little bitch (in a non-gender specific way, yadig?), but I feel to make a decision, so prematurely, hurts a relationship more than it helps. It’s possible I don’t understand where she is coming from, but ultimatums seem even more silly, now that I’ve been through it. Personally, I believe relationships should be left to take their own course and if it ends, it ends. So, what is your take on it? How do you feel about ultimatums or expiration dates on relationships.

luckily homey left his email with the question, because he failed to tell us what the ultimatum actually was. Or at least I couldn’t figure it out from the question. So I emailed and he told me she said that when she leaves the relationship would be over. Actually, no wonder I’m so confused. That’s not an ultimatum, that’s just a fact. An ultimatum would be “you agree to letting me get my swerve on with a bunch of dreadlocked travelers while I’m gone or this relationship is finished.” What you got was a good ol’ fashioned “thanks, but no thanks”. I hate to be harsh about it, but in an ultimatum situation, there is something you can do to change the outcome, even if it is extreme or implausible. This whole question is like an SAT word problem that I’ve had to read several times to make sense of, but I think I’ve solved it. This guy was dating a girl for six months, at which time she said “I’m leaving six months from now for six months… and I would like to not be dating when I leave.” (They tried to throw us off with the triple six months.) Is this right?

You’re not a little bitch, because what happened is you got dumped. Not even the courtesy of an on the spot dumping, but a down the line dumping. I’d become a little bitch too. In theory you’re supposed to say “well if that’s how you feel, than fuck this whole situation..” but theory and practice are as different as oranges and cabbage. And as long as the person is willing to hang with you, you usually will, like some kind of extended intense booty-call that you have a crush on. Does it put a strain on the relationship? Uh, yea. “You have six months and then I’m off to screw my way through the hostels of the world” tends to do that. You’re also correct that a relationship should run it’s course. That’s the way they work. Expiration dates just fuck everything up. You’re thinking to yourself “I have six months to prove myself” when she is thinking “This is fun for now, but when I hit that airport…I am outski..” You can see where in that all it would get confusing.

Like I said, the radical fuckin’ stud move would be to say “well fuck this shit then..” but, like you, I too am a little bitch and would just post-sex cry my way to the departure date. So is life. She did you a favor though, you thought those six months were hard…try getting emails about her and “Miguel” backpacking through the hot, steamy, Amazon. That shit’ll fuck you up irreversibly. Sorry about the situation, but sometimes like a hippie in Tevas with a dirty backpack, it’s time to move on.

Since we are talking ultimatums, guys.. don’t use them. Nothing a girl hates more than “either we are exclusive or this is over.” 9.5 times out of 10 you just signed your termination papers yourself. Don’t say I never warned you.