I’ve always said that working the service industry should be like military conscription in Germany or Israel, one year mandatory. Anyone who has never had the displeasure of serving others their food and coffee just thought “why the hell would you think that?” while those fortunate souls who have just belted out a “HALLELUJAH, BROTHER! SIng it LOUD!!”. I personally have done about five or six years in the trenches and it isn’t pretty. if you don’t know why a year of mandatory service industry would be a good thing, let me tell you. Americans are a roving mass of rude motherfuckers. Not rude-rude, just poor manner rude. Gimmie this… I’ll take that… or my personal least favorite I wannnnnnttt……I was just at the cafe and some dude in front of me was doing the ol’ “lemmmmieeee haveeeee…” dance and I swear I was two seconds away from saying something. Never mind that even if it was a proper “let me have”, who says let me have? Would it hurt to say “may I” or “please” or even “can I please have…”?

This is where the mandatory year benefits really kick in. Because they person who has never service-industried will be like “what’s the big fuckin’ deal?” The big fuckin deal is that after 8 hours of gimmies and lemmmie haves it really starts to chisel away at your well being. And then you get bitter and start hating everyone and your job and your life. Do you really want to be partially responsible for that? Especially to the person who is the one thing between you having to actually pick up a spear, don a loin clothe and chase jack rabbits in the scrub for sustenance? I think you owe them at least a little more than that.

Anyone who has done their time can also tell you that one polite and respectful customer can have the effect of a giant mental health reset button. Wouldn’t you rather be that guy? Yes, you would. So from now on, just know what you want when you get to the front, say “may I” or “please” and look the server in the eye. That counts for restaurants too, none of that face in the menu business… that’s not rude, that’s really fuckin’ rude.

So legislators, let’s get that year rule in effect. How about college? That’d be a good time to do it. I promise it would make the world a better place. And the rest of you, manners do make the world go round, so start using them.. ‘cuz your “gimmies” and “I wants” are a serious nope-fest.