I told a person I am seeing that I really liker her. When we first met she wanted me to be a bf. I told her be patient I’m thinking about becoming that. But that she was the only one that I was with. I was doing all the boyfriend roles. We’ve been seeing each other for about a year. So the other day I tell over the phone about how I feel about her and that Im ready to make that next step. She told me she doesn’t want a bf anymore. She doesn’t think she is ready for one. I got a little upset, but then realized that is ok if that what she wants Im happy too. I still want to be friends with her. But now she is ignoring my phone calls, texts, and emails and told me that she doesn’t want to talk to me right now and she needs space. What should I do? What did I do wrong? The hard part of understanding is me telling her how I feel and then she gets upset at me.

Once upon a time there was this kid. He met a girl out one night and the two of them hit it off. They both loved sushi and The Cure and each other. Though they didn’t love each other, not yet at least, they just loved the idea of being around each other. What started as a friendship and a mutual appreciation society over flavored coffee drinks and edamame quickly escalated into front seat make-out sessions and sleepovers. The two seemed like any other two people who had begun to “see” each other and “hang out” a lot. She cooked him dinners, he fixed her computers. As the months cruised on and the seasons changed, the two still did everything together like two people who are dating do. They ate mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving, exchanged presents at Christmas, and “lets do something mellow”-ed on Valentines Day. It was as if they were dating, but weren’t. Something in there just wasn’t “right” to be actual bf/gf. It was just much better this way. Oh, I totally agree! Why is everyone in such a rush to define everything?

As the Spring came and the space heaters and quilts were put back into the closet, something began to change. Not because anyone was forcing it, but just because in life something is always changing. There is no such thing as “keeping it like this forever” because you have no control over the “keeping it”. There is just way too much chemistry and biology and time and space and all that trippy stuff that influences our lives everyday in ways we usually take for granted. It was the girl who first stared to ask the “what are we doing” questions, and the boy who gave the age old answer “I don’t know, but it’s working so why mess with it”. The problem with his answer is that if it was working, than why is she asking? Working had turned into not working and not working is a downhill ride. I just want to know that there is some kind of future in “us”, is that such a big deal?

One warm Summer evening the two get in from a night of dinner and wine with friends. At some point the question of marriage came up with the dinner guests and the boy got really uncomfortable. He could see the girl squirming also as the discussion highlighted the shortcomings of their own situation, or at least it’s lack of definition. The ride home was quiet but when they shut the door and opened their mouths, it wasn’t pretty. The girl was declaring through sobs that she was in love and frustrated by the lack of commitment and the boy was staring at his feet and fighting away random thoughts like boys do in these situations such as “did I ever turn in that $2 scratch ticket winner I won after the office softball game back in July?” Of course with thoughts like this he could give no answers and they finally just collapsed in bed tired and drained and both wide awake thinking about what they were going to do. But I love you so it is a big deal!

By August the boy thought he was in the clear and had gotten himself back into “the bone zone” that was always working for him. Except something was wrong. He began to feel her pull away. It started when he invited her to come to dinner with his parents who were visiting and she said “no that’s o.k., I have some stuff to do”. From there he could just tell she was less and less interested. And for some reason he became more and more interested. He began asking her if she wanted to make it more serious and she would laugh him off. He tried buying her favorite flowers (roses, NO baby’s breath) or giving her jewelry. He wrote her cards and drew pictures and would lay awake combing her hair as she pretended to sleep, but nothing. On their one year anniversary, after the expensive dinner at her favorite restaurant where they ate tuna tar-tar while over looking the city, she dumped him. It felt like a brick wall had fallen on his head and took even longer to recover than if that was the case. He spent months cursing what he could have done differently while spending most evenings drunk on wine and crying on his bed while listening to their songs, or looking at her pictures, or… I’m sorry, I just don’t feel that way about you anymore. Something changed…

—-

Does the fact that I made that all up matter? Not really, at all. That is a million stories rolled into one… and that’s a conservative guess on the number. It is the oldest story in a really thick, dusty book and a mistake boys will make over and over no matter how many times they hear about it. Timing is everything. What’s that saying “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned?” What’s happening to you is a bit like that saying’s nicer, younger, brother. Girls don’t like to be put on hold, or lay-away, or whatever you call it. Even when they say they can wait, feelings intercede. I really think they just don’t find indecision sexy or attractive, so their attraction to you takes a serious hit. I can’t count the times I’ve heard a girl say “I can wait…” when it turns out they can’t. I hate to be the bearer if bad news, but you most likely blew it this time. She’s just over you and that’s a bad position to be in. She either thinks you’re bad for her, or she just doesn’t care.. but either way isn’t interested in being your friend. You’ll eventually have to learn how to respect that. And next time the pitch comes over the plate, take a swing.. because timing makes all the difference between a triple and a strike.