Dear Single Ape,

wondering your take on how men really view women that do not have the ideal body. In the past I worked really hard to have a nice (fit) body, then relationship shift happened, went into destructive mode (beer, vodka, bong, hotdogs) and here I am like 60 pounds later. I am slowly working to get in shape again, but it will take some time. It’s hard for me to date since I do not feel comfortable with my body, if I ever go out on a date the whole time I spend worrying that the guy cannot look past beyond my body and see what a great person I am. And because of this I’ll get really defensive … any advice on how to get out of this pattern? Should I even date until I’m comfortable with myself?

I hate to use garbage as a metaphor here, but what’s that saying? One man’s garbage is another man’s treasure? Not to say you’re garbage.. o.k.? But the fact is, the dudes are going out with you, and you’re chubby. You think they didn’t notice that before they asked you out? They did, Ba’leeee dat as the Fresh Prince likes to say. My question is, what makes you so sure they are dating you for the hot bod? (My friend Jill once told me that her bedroom in high school had a hot dude poster that said “A hard body is good to find”. It turned into a joke that never got old.) Honestly, if you’re a good sixty over, they are noticing, and probably liking. This idea that all guys want a skinny girl is just that, a dumb idea. I’ve actually heard a girl friend whimpering when she realized the boy she liked was a chubby chaser and she lacked the chubb to compete. Another time, my friend was dating a chubby girl, and like you she went on the power program (the one where you skip the beer, vodka, bongs and hotdogs..) and lost around sixty pounds. Oh, and she also lost him. Totally dumpd him. When I asked what went wrong, his reply was “she skinnied herself out of my league..” Which was totally true, she started dating some rockabilly DJ stud who she eventually married. Shallow? Maybe, but truuff? Yup.

Am I making any sense here? I’m trying to point out that your personal insecurities about your shortcomings are not necessasarily shortcomings to someone else. And in some instances they might actually be bonuses. Haven’t you ever listened to Baby Got Back? you think Sir Mix-A-Lot was joking? Hell no. It would be completely impossible to scribe a line like “My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns hun..” unless you truly felt it. “Yeah, baby … when it comes to females, Cosmo ain’t got nothin’ to do with my selection. 36-24-36? Ha ha, only if she’s 5’3″.” Exactly. Throw on top of that bootyliscious pile that your four basic food groups are comprised of beer, vodka, bongs and hot dogs, and you should watch your back on these boys, because I think they have your number. It’s 160 and lookin’ pretty. Like, pretty effin’ hot and fun. A dangerous combo.

I hope you don’t get defensive or upset or any of that. There is no shame in the tail end of a good, unhealthy binge. But when you do skinny up, don’t be surprised if a few of these dudes lose interest and a new crop of dudes gain interest. We all get lost in what the magazines tell us we want, to the point that some might keep their conflicting view in the closet. But the truth is, everyone likes something different, and if a guy is out on a date with you, they are probably o.k. with it. You have to recognize that the skinny girl bulsh was only perpetrated in the first place by a bunch of uppity fashion fags who didn’t like “curves” interrupting their lines. (No offense gay guys, but let us decide what’s hot, please. If we leave it in your hands we’d all be dating anorexic fashion waifs or your Streisand-esque moms. Double ick.) To get out of the pattern, you have to recognizing that fact. If you’re not comfortable with yourself, then start running. But if you’re working at it and making progress, you’ll probably be comfy enough to date. Movement in the right direction can feel just as good as being at your target weight. (A fact that people often fail to recognize and choose to psyche themselves out instead.) But be careful! Nothing like a new relationship to drag you back into the beer, vodka, bongs, and hot dogs zone. That is serious good livin’ right there.. (at least for a month or so.)

But in summery, you already know your answer. When you’re good to yourself, you’ll recognize (some of) these guys are trying to be good to you also, instead of placing your insecurities on their intentions. Ja? Ja. (jah.)

Bonus Illustration of the point: Do you ever read Dan Clowes? If someone where to ask me which philosophers have most influenced me in my learnings, Dan Clowes would be near the top of the list, right next to Helen Gurly Brown. Serious company. This story “Ugly Girls” is a fitting addition to my response. Ugly girls…