Ape

When I’m with a guy, I like to dirty talk. My questions is, when I’m with a new guy, how dirty is too dirty?

Have you ever seen a pretty girl approaching in a crowded place, and instead of looking at her (guys) or her shoes (girls) you instead concentrate on everyone else in the room? If you haven’t, you have to try it. Especially watching the guys. I love picking the one guy who you’re thinking “no way, not him too..” Like the most married, put together, christian family man in the joint. And sure enough, you watch him sneak a sloppy two-count on her breasts. If you try it often, it’s crazy the things you see. I’ve seen priests eye-fondle ass and delivery drivers almost crash. I’m not sure where on the World Almanac list for snuck-glances our country rates, but I’d guess it’s way high. Places like Mexico or Italy have no shame in their game when it comes to eyeballing a beautiful woman. Not quite sure why this question got me think about this. In fact, I’ve never even thought about it, I just know that I do it often. If you catch anything good, report back.

About the question…Isn’t that kind of like asking “how much hot sauce do I put on my tacos?” I mean, the answer is everything from none to all of it, right? Different strokes for those who say ta-mah-to. But that doesn’t mean we can’t answer, because we can always do that. First of all, you have to size up how much you care. What I’m saying is, if there is nothing to lose, than lose it. I know you know what I’m talking about. The guy who you’re not really into and know you won’t ever see again? Yea, that. But be careful. Like a hungover pitcher, when you don’t care you’re super relaxed. And super relaxed is hot, even if you are riding him bareback and making him neigh like a wild horsey. It’s one of life’s unfair loopholes. The more you care means the more you think, which we all know means the more you fuck up. So if you don’t care, dirty-away. Do whatever you feel like regardless of the reaction.

But if you care? Then we have to go to the DJ analogy. The one where you’re playing the records and he is the sweaty crowd packing the floor on a Friday night. You might be killing it. Hits galore and the crowd is feeling it. But one wrong drop and you have the proverbial “bumped the record player” sound as the floor clears. The mood is savable, but usually requires a generic goto song like “Scenario” by Tribe Called Quest. What’s the dirty talk version of “Scenario”? I could venture a few guesses but I’ll let you figure that out yourself. Again, everyone likes different sauce on their taco…or something a little less suggestive sounding than that.

Personally, I believe in stepping over the line a few times in order figure out where exactly the line is. Just get used to playing Jesus often and making a lot of saves.

p.s. The title is just dirty talk translated (most likely wrong) by an online translator to the french salir le discours. Back to english you get soil the speech. Fun with robots, yay! Soil on, soiler…