I probably couldn’t count the amount of jokes I still say today that I can attribute to my friend Ronnie. We used to skateboard a lot in college, and just when a regular joke would be getting old with anyone else was right about where a Ronnie joke was starting to get good. Aw, is that beeper gum? Gimmie a piece… Without fail if someone was wearing a beeper on their waistline, they’d get that from him. I still say it all the time now and it makes absolutely no …

Dear ape,
I have been with my boyfriend for about a year now and things have been really good until just recently. Lately he has been blowing me off and going about it in the most round-about ways. And I know its kind of stupid and petty but I’m pissed. I’m not really sure what is triggering this, we have amazing sex still and we still get along amazingly when we do hang out. When he says he will call, he doesn’t. And when I ask him to hang out, sometimes …

Someone told me today, “You’re like a giant pigeon just shitting on the world.” It was in response to the fact that I didn’t really like Inception that much. I won’t bore you with my Inception nope, because I know a lot of you out there loved the fuck out of it and would probably, like the pigeon guy, take my opinions personally. If you do want to know how I felt about it, just go to Rotton Tomatoes and read some of the “didn’t like” reviews. I might not …

I need some advice. I’ve been talking to a girl I really like for about a week now. We’ve told each other things that we haven’t told more than a handful of people; we’ve both acknowledged the amazing connection, both spiritual and personal, that we have; she’s told me outright that she thinks I’m great. That said, she isn’t ready to get into another relationship yet. And that’s okay with me. I’m helping her with some things, mostly anxiety and self-confidence issues related to her last relationship. My question is, …

I think I’ve figured it all out. Seriously. After what, four years? Four years of answering questions, many that repeat over and over again, I’ve figured out what everyone’s problem is out there. Relationship damage. So much of it. People just constantly want to pull old relationships into new ones. It’s only been a year, so I want to take it slow. Or, I was hurt really badly before. Or, I have trust issues. Or, or, orrrr…. I could do these for days. Everyone’s reason why their last relationship has …