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ape, what is your take on the whole “he’s just not that into you” concept? namely, that girls have to sit around waiting for a guy to pursue them and that if a girl had to pursue a guy, he’s either not into it or will be turned off? i find it pretty offensive, but i have a friend who pretty much follows these…”rules” or whatever to a tee: won’t contact a guy unless he contacts her first, won’t even express that she might be interested unless he initiates interest, would never ask a guy out on a date, will date a guy if he’s into her even if she isn’t sure about him…and she gets on my case if—and by if, i usually mean “when”—i won’t conform. but i just find these gender roles to be so stifling…it just seems like i probably won’t be into a guy who will balk if i ask him out, or express any interest before i know he feels the same. are guys really that cut and dried? Can we use this opportunity to discuss the movie He’s Just Not That Into You? Of course we can. Have you seen it? Most likely if you’ve made a transcontinental crossing in the past couple of months there is a good chance you have. Or maybe you were one of the few suckers who actually paid for this one in the theater? Omg, it was so bad. First off, Mac should stick to the computer commercials. In the long-form he totally blows. And the girl in it isn’t realistic. Yea, she’s desperate, and we all know there are desperate people out there. But she’s that floaty Hollywood unrealistic desperate. Punctuated with nervous energy and a never ending stream of embarrassing situations caused by over-extension. Desperation is so much more complex that that, I wish they’d get it right. It might work for Sex in the City, but that was a TV show from the early 00’s. We expect more out of a movie in ’09. Eventually the hyper-freewheeler Mac guy and the hyper-desperate frantic girl fall in love in a hyper-unrealistic way. At least they were consistent. The moment that summed up the movie for me was the after party scene. Desperate girl and hot, tall model are both lurking in what appears to be a classic game of “stick around longer” chicken. (Maybe the most realistic part of the movie.) Eventually the model (after being the rad playstation playing dudes kind of girl, but hot) decides to leave, and Mac is stoked she left. If he really was the know-it-all bar owning playa’ they portrayed him to be, he would have wanted to sleep with the model and been annoyed the desperate girl insisted on cleaning up the place. (She was cute, but truly annoying.) I know movies don’t need to be realistic, but they need to trade something in return if they expect us to suspend belief. All I got was a headache and a cheesy ending. But it’s fitting for the question, because like your friend, there were a bunch of rules. Mac was the rules guy. Sadly, I worry I sometimes sound like the rules guy. But my biggest rule of all is that there are no rules. Every situation is different and needs to be approached in it’s own unique way. With some guys you sit back and wait, others you ask out. Truth is, everyone loves to be liked. We all know how attraction spikes when you hear that someone likes you. Someone you have never given a second thought about thinks you’re cute and all of a sudden you notice their stylish fashion and nice eyes. If you have a decent sense at reading situations, then handle them in whatever way you feel would be appropriate. I can’t think of a single guy that wouldn’t like getting asked out, but then a again I hang out with a bunch of emo wusses (in the best possible way, of course, but emo wusses nonetheless). I tend to agree with you that if it freaked a guy out, he’s not worth the time anyway. That’s some seriously jockish insecurity to have to always be the man. Girls want the man, of course, but not the guy who has to always be the man. Everyone loves a touch of wuss, and the wuss likes to be asked out. I spent some time in Germany one summer and German girls have it down. They don’t even ask, they just tell you. Hot? Uh, yea. “Ve go to Kreutzberg tonight for drinks.” Um, ok. Girls aren’t the only ones who like a firm hand. Shutting down your thought and planning processes for the evening is sexy, for guys and girls. Remember that the next time you insist he meets you for some tacos. Of course how did He’s Just Not That Into You end? Dude chucks his rules out the window and follows his heart. Wah wah. The oldest plot in the book of generic love stories but there is some truth to it which is why it gets used over and over. But be it dating, or style or anything, the biggest rule of all is that you make your own rules. As long as you stand behind them with conviction, they will work for you. That’s how you get all these crazy conceptual artists who do weird shit and get famous. You can do whatever you want as long as there is enough ego to back it up. That applies to asking boys out, but useful for anything in life. If your friend can’t squeeze that into her playbook, it’s her loss, but don’t let her ideas change yours. Sometimes to get questions from one computer to another, I gmail them to myself. Gmail chose to make a link out of ‘he’s just not that into you’ to this cheeseballz site. I wonder what he thinks about asking guys out. actually.. no I don’t.. I have been talking to this guy I met off of eharmony for awhile now. He is really nice and sweet….almost a little too nice and that scares me. He is really down to earth and a true gentlemen! He has every quality I would love to find in a man someday. The only problem is I don’t feel any chemistry whatsoever! I just feel nothing. I know that could change if I ever met him in person but I’m just not into it. I figured if only I could force myself then maybe I could grow to like him. It’s just not working out that way. It is becoming almost a chore to have to write him back every now and then. He will usually respond within a day or two but I sometimes take a week or more. I’m sure he has noticed this and I usually just say it’s been a hectic week for me or whatever. I can’t do it anymore and now I fear he is going to want to meet me very soon because he has hinted around multiple times. I just kind of shrug it off. I thought about just not responding anymore but that would make me a hypocrite when I complain about guys doing that to me so I can’t do that. What should I say to him to end it? On the other hand I’m afraid to end it because it’s nice to talk to him when I’m feeling lonely and I like keeping him around when there is no one else better who is interested in me. WOW that sounds selfish right? So what should I do? I know he is in this because he is ultimately looking for a relationship. I don’t want to waste any more of his time but yet I don’t want to lose him. I don’t know if that makes any sense? How should I go about this? What should I say to him? I know I could just say we could be friends but then he could meet someone else someday and then I would never have a chance with him if I ever decided I wanted to give things a shot with this guy. I just need some advice on this because I can’t keep this guy hanging much longer. Wow, Talk about packing every ounce of “the way shit works” into one question. Unattracted to nice guy? Check. Can’t let go of the attention? Check. Wants cake and eat it too? Check. You’ve pretty much nailed the trifecta of confusion. I love it. You’re also getting way ahead of yourself it sounds like. I’m no pro with eharmony, but it’s basically just like any other dating site with more questions, right? I’ve seen the (painful) commercials with the couples who have met on eharmony. Total car wrecks, those things are. I want to turn my head and close my eyes, but on the other hand, I totally don’t. I always wonder how much money they’d have to pay a couple to get on national tv and discuss the minutiae of their computer flirtations, but the sad truth is I know there are all sorts of people who would do it for free or very little money. I guess we now live in an age where there is no shame in e-dating. Personally, I believe there should still be a little shame. Not a ton, just a touch. I know, you gotta do what you gotta do and all that, but if we accept e-dating as normal as asking out a friends girlfriends friend, what is the world going to come to? People will (are?) get lazy. Why go out when you can just get on the computer? That seems to be where we are headed so I’m doing my part to stem the flow. E-date away if you’d like to enhance the possibilities, but if you’re getting World of Warcraft on eharmony (i.e. getting lost in the online world at the expense of the real one.. ) I’ll make fun of you a little bit, o.k.? As for the nice guy? If you don’t like him, you don’t like him. Truthfully you probably don’t like him because he is so nice. You get no sense that he’d throw you up against a wall and pull your hair (in the fun way) so there is nothing hot about it. Otherwise known as “no chemistry”. Honestly you should probably meet him first before you make the call, but there is a good chance if you’re not feeling it, you’re not going to feel it. More often it would be the other way around where you think you have chemistry until you meet. Getting me to another reason I think e-dating is not the best use of time. When you are given limited information about someone, our human tendency is to fill in the rest of the holes with what you would like them to be filled with. Your opinion on looks and personality are seeded with the shirtless profile pic and the witty email, but are watered and sunlit with the fantasy side of your brain. I hear e-date reports all the time that begin with some form of “OMG, he was so not as cute as the picture and totally boring…” Good for you for skipping the meeting if you aren’t into it.. I guess? But if you’re not going to have coffee with the nice guy, who are you going to have coffee with? This whole idea of not wanting him to meet someone else is totally demented though. You haven’t even met him yet. You need to get some definitives going here. you’re floating in the Stratosphere on this one. If you want to end it, just give the fade. You haven’t even met him yet, you don’t owe him a dumping speech. (Please, for the love of all of us, spare him the dumping speech. Nothing worse than getting dumped when you were never in to start with.) All you’ve done is sent a few emails, gurl. You don’t even need to stop sending them. There is no crime in just sending emails. If you avoid his lobs to meet, he is going to pick up on it eventually and he can make the call. Unless there is some unwritten eharmony rules of engagement that I don’t know about? Just do whatever makes you comfortable, but don’t get all bugaboo about what the repercussions of those actions may be. So what if he meets someone else. The truth is, you’re not into it! There is no shame in not loving the nice guy. It happens every hour of every day of every month since the beginning of time until the final day. We are human. We love danger, complexity and drama. Wrong is hot and right is not. Use this lesson to learn something about yourself. Every girl “just wants to meet a really nice guy” but if that was the truth, why are there a bunch of single, really nice guys running around? The real truth is that this oft stated claim is an unfinished sentence. Seen in full it looks something like “I just want to meet a really nice guy…. that by some miracle of nature I am actually sexually, physically and mentally attracted too because I have to admit, I love me a bad boy…” Join the club. The legions of your fellow humans who would prefer something with, what is annoyingly referred to as, “a little edge”. You don’t want a nice guy, you want a nice-ish guy. This guy is too nice, so he’s not your guy. He looks good on paper, but it’s someone else’s sheet of paper. Don’t worry about keeping him on hold, because I can guarantee you aren’t. He is still a guy, no matter how nice. But for you it’s time to get back on the keyboard and start pecking out a few more responses or pokes or whatever they call them on your dating site until you find your Mr. Nice-ish. Ape – My girlfriend is 35, I’m 29. Everything is awesome and we get along and have no weirdness about the age thing. My question though is.. does this make her a cougar? Because my friend always joke that she is. Give me some ape ammo to tell them to shut up. thanks! Oh Cougars. The buzzwod du jour pops it’s head into our corner of the internet. I have to say, I hate the word cougar. Or at least the implications of it. I think it marks a shift in common thought. Once upon a time older woman were viewed as having a sexual sophistication about them that was… like…. so totally hot. Now the term cougar gets tossed about in a way that dismisses the Susan Serandons of the world, of even worse, lumps them into a grouping of horny chain smoking forty somethings who booze and cruise nightly. And I’m not going to lie, I’ve used the term cougar myself a few times. But usually referring to what I truly think the word is reserved for. And that is a husky, in-your-face middle-aged woman who has a crassness about them deserving of a derogatory tag. It’s not a nice word, at all. Not only that, but you have to be careful who you say it around. I was once at a Hollywood dinner party, and their was some jackass Hollywood loudmouth barking about a cougar script he wrote. As I scanned the room, I noticed half the people there were thirtyish something single girls. I know he might not be talking about them, but by the way they were all staring into their napkins, I’m not sure they knew that. And honestly I don’t think he knew it either. it sounded like he believed anything single and over over thirty was a walking piece of cougar meat. This coming from a generic, sloppy dressed, whiteboy fro’d, wannabe Hollywood fat ass. (Where’s the derogatory term for this guy, ‘cause they are everywhere in this town.) It was really uncomfortable, never mind the fact that I felt bad for the room of girls that we’re too polite to tell the dude to shut the fuck up. The other night I was talking to my friend and she was telling me how a guy had told her she was going to be a cougar when she turns 34 or something. I know he was kidding, but like all jokes there is a touch of truth. Somehow the new thinking is that a woman in her thirties is a cougar. Asked by my friend what I’d consider a girl in her thirties I responded with “I’d call that just getting into the zone..” I then asked her what a male cougar is called and without missing a beat she shot back with “.. a man”. We both laughed at the sad truth of that one. Which gets me back to my rant. Just when it seemed like we were making a little headway in the opinion of the post-thirty-year-old woman, some Hollywood jackasses come around screaming about cougars and we get set back a bunch of years. In whose world is being hot and bothered a bad thing? Sure, being hot, bothered, crass and brutal is worthy of a cougar calling, but lets reign this word back into it’s original meaning people. If it doesn’t sound like the sisters form the Simpsons, it’s not a cougar. If it just happens to be a girl in her thirties or forties, it’s also not a cougar. That’s like calling all men magicians. And we know that’s not true. Your girlfriend might be a cradle robber.. but she is no cougar. So tell your friends to stuff it. Better yet, tell them they wouldn’t know a cougar from a hole in the ground because even desperate, crass, middle-aged woman wouldn’t sleep with their raggedy asses, no matter how many boxes of rosé they have consumed. And I’m sure they are a bunch of raggedy-assed dudes. For some reason those are the ones who seem to love this word so much. I guess one more reason I hate the word, it’s always said with a hint of anger behind it. When you get down to it, young guys who can’t even get laid by older and questionably desperate woman use it to make themselves feel better about this pathetic fact. I’d tell you to tell them that but they’d probably just look at you like a dog after hearing a weird noise. So a simple STFU is going to have to suffice, or maybe some new friends because yours sound like idiots. bonus question: ape- do you use the wrong there, they’re, their, you’re and your on purpose? it’s become funny. No, I just type faster than I think.. sorry.. buy the book, I go back and fix them all. Ape, I went out with this guy a few times and we had a lot of fun. Like totally hit it off. Problem is, he is having a hard time with work and life and told me he isn’t ready for anything yet and just wants to be friends for now. But I really like him.. what do I do? Any advice? I know. Play it cool. But what if you suck at playing it cool? You’re only hope here is to actually get cool, and quick. By that I mean you have to truly feel some sense of moving on, or living your life. Anything but sitting around listening to emo mp3s and waiting for his call. Or even worse, calling him after a few thursday night chiantis wondering if he has changed his mind. If someone tells you they aren’t into it at the moment, do yourself a favor and listen to them. Not only processing the information but discarding it out the other end and carrying on with whatever you were up to before them. If you do, one of two things will happen: 1. You’ll get over it…. or.. 2. He’ll recognize you drifting and come crying back on his knees begging for a morsel or your attention. Quite often both happen simultaneously. But everyone owes it to themselves to not get involved with people that they have to play these cliche games with. Throw that on your cool pile. The ability to write people off who write you off. Of course everyone loves a good chase, but at some point it becomes stupid. And almost all of us know that point when it has. That’s where you cut it off and move on. If they come crying back you can deal with that accordingly, but until then.. take care of number one first.. and everything else will fall into place. I know, worlds shittiest advice… real life doesn’t work like that, but it’s something to strive for. A sun to start walking towards in the hot barren desert. You know the answer to your problem, it’s just not the answer you want. What I’m trying to say is, you can’t change the answer unless you change the question. Ape- I just got back from a long bike ride to realize that this world is full of idiots that worship other idiots. I can’t believe that MJ is still news, i think there a few things that are way more important than that. Wtf? Which gets me to the non-gloved one conversation of this rant. I hate to sound like a Bible school teacher, or a wise old-man Native American, but people (me included, for sure) have to work more on not judging everyone else’s experience. Human’s have been around a long effin’ time and still no one has figured out exactly how you win the game. Of course their have been thousands of inspirational attempts, but I’ve yet to see someone stand on the podium and claim the gold for definitively winning at the game of life. So until that day comes, everyone gets to take their stab at it. Of course there are extremes that we know lean closer to losing, like a burly heroin addiction for one. But the middle ground is filled with a potpourri of puzzle pieces that you can pick and choose to complete your own personal experience. That’s the whole human deal and our judgement of it is one of our greatest flaws. All of us, (again me included) hold our own template up to others lives as the starting point for judgement. That’s a little bit like using the english key to grade a math test. It doesn’t work. Like the old-man Native American (man. Indian was so much easier to type.. ) said.. that thing about walking in other’s moccasins? You don’t know until you have. So enjoy the bike ride and let people enjoy their MJ mourning. I can guarantee that if all those idiots decided to go on your bike ride instead, you’d be complaining about that too. Of course there are more important things happening (Iran for one.. read about it!) but you can’t discredit people’s connection to something in their past and the effect it had on their lives. MJ is a perfect example because so many different types of people have something to say or miss about the freak. And just as many can come up with a reason why he is a piece to their life puzzle. All the later accusations and weirdness don’t matter because it isn’t about Michael. It’s about the people and their connection to him as a performer and what that means in their life. Just because he isn’t a piece of yours doesn’t mean they are idiots. That’s the kind of thinking at the origin of everything that is wrong with the world.. so fix that shit. (Idiot.) Ape A friend told me the other day that she and her dude were having some trouble…I secretly had a moment of stoke…is that horrible? its horrible! but i did. I’m not going to say it out loud but i think its because I really don’t think he’s the best dude for her. Am I awful? I’m having a hard time thinking right now. I’ve heard of a three-dog night.. but had my first two-dog skunking last night. The house smells like Pepe le Pew’s apartment. Usually only the little dog is dumb enough to chase skunks.. but this time the big dog got blasted right between the eyes.. stinky kung-fu action. In non skunk news, my middle name is Fera. Bet you didn’t know that.. but it is. It’s my mom’s maiden name. When I was a kid of the 70s, other kids teased me by calling me ‘Nereo, Cheerio”. (Nereo is my last name.) But every once in a while when they were looking to mix it up, it would be “Fera Fawcett!” Ouch, it still stings. Of course my stock comeback sounded like the gayest eight year-old in America, retorting with “Her name is Farraaahh, not feraaaa!” I know.. it was a terrible further-tease-worthy response, but in my mind a super important distinction. Unfortunately for me, eight year-olds could give a fuck about subtle nuances like the difference between Farrah and Fera. R.i.p. F.a.r.r.a.h., with love and yours always.. your most diligent spell corrector.. Fera Fawcett. Question asker? You’re not awful. Au contraire mon fraire (by fraire, I mean sister.. ), you rule. We all now that people love to date the wrong people. Wrong is hot. Why that is will forever be more confusing than Stonehenge, but it is the truth. It is also what friends are for. As a friend it is your job to help steer the ship to calmer ports. Sometimes it works but other times, no matter how hard you pull the wheel or batten the mains, the ship still dry docks on a distant reef. Such is the unpredictable nature of life. As a friend you can only entertain for so long the idea that your friend is smooth sailing open seas, when you can clearly see the tipped over and beached ship. (ok.. no more sailing analogies..) So your secret moments of stoke are for your friends benefit. You just wish her the best, there is nothing wrong with that. Of course break-ups suck, and you wouldn’t wish one on your worst enemy (usually) but if you can spot that it’s not right, it probably isn’t. Which means the break-up is going to come eventually, and sooner is (usually) better than later. Right? Fuck yea I’m right! So don’t be a don’t bee and raise that chin my lil’ B.F.F. Because forever is a long time, and there is no shame in hoping you’re friends road to forever is the best route possible.
Apers
I’ll try to make this short…I’m sure ya’ll get tired of long lost love stories
I don’t have a story of lost love, but recovering love. My boyfriend and I had dated for over a year and I broke up with him because he had hurt me and I couldn’t recover without time and space. After breaking up with him I started seeing this other guy who seemed great but turned into a real creep after a few “dates” (dates in his language meant talking for 5 minutes and then making out for 2 hours). I didn’t do anything very physical with this guy, I never did anything to him at all, and we never had sex. We basically just made out, and I was naked one time, but not for very long. He’s an attractive guy but I usually don’t move that fast and so most of it was kind of pushed….it’s not like I was just all over him. I called it quits as soon as he got creepy.
My boyfriend was crushed when I dumped him, I must mention. We’ve never had any issues, besides the one that had hurt me, and after breaking up with him I felt like he had worked through it. So, I got back together with him. We’ve never been happier, and I feel like he’s worked through his issue and things are much better.
The problem I have is, he was going NUTS that I was seeing this other guy! He doesn’t know that I did anything with the other guy. I think it would drive him insane if he knew, and he hasn’t *really* asked. I can see having a definite future beyond college with my boyfriend, and I don’t know if I should be honest about the other guy i saw during our break and just tell him all so it’s off my chest…or if I should keep it under my hat. He doesn’t even know I kissed him. I think that thought would just drive him nuts.
Oh boy. One of these. Or maybe I mean, “one of them”. I don’t know what I mean actually. This shouldn’t take long. For starters, I hear you saying you couldn’t be happier and he has worked through his issues, but it sounds like you now have new issues. The jealousy thing is super ugly. It’s kind of like a fat twelve year old kid. You either need to put it on a seriously proactive diet or it’s just gonna get fatter and unhealthier as time goes on. Ballooning far past charming chunky youth and into the realm of wall removal/construction crane to get him out of the house. Jealously just gets worse and worse as time goes on, and if you feel like you want to share a life with the dude, you’re going to have to squash it. Smack the proverbial Twinkie out of the kids hand and tell him to go ride a bike.
So where are we at? We are at me telling you that you need to clear the air. If you truly want to move on you have to talk through the issues and figure out how to get them out of the way. What you have now is a mild infection. Nothing some antibiotics can’t clear up. But if you ignore it, it’ll fester to the point where swig-ing a fifth of whisky and having a friend hacksaw it off is actually a great idea. So go see Dr. Conversation and get the jealousy cleared up before it gets any uglier. Back from summer vacation… and I have to say.. I needed it. This question answering gets old sometimes, no lie. Not to say I don’t still love you.. all of you, but sometimes I have to fight the urge to just type out.. I DON”T KNOW.. you know? That’s when I know it’s time for a vacation. So off to the woods in the van for some much needed R and R. Kinda like the troops in the war getting a free 48 in Bangkok, without the booze and strippers. And city. And army issued fatigues. But everything else was totally the same. Camping got me thinking about camp. More specifically the camp I went to as a kid. It was all summer, all boys and all uniforms all the time. The weird part is that I chose to go. The weirder part is that I loved it. They kept us busy, taught us how to survive in the woods and I got to play a lot of soccer. What’s not to love. At the time I didn’t fully care about girls yet so the all boy aspect wasn’t that big of an issue. And the uniforms were saweet. I’d wear one today if I could find one in my size. Every saturday night we had to go to this satanic Indian ritual called Council. The Old guy who ran the camp would dress as a chief, and we were split into four tribes. To start Council chief would say some Indian prayer and the fire would begin to smoke automatically. Then all sorts of Council-y things would happen. Games, challenges, awards.. every week there was a knot tying contest. I could tie a sheepshank like a mofo. At some point we had to recite the Woodcraft Laws. Basically the ultimate laws of the camp. Recently I was reading about the camp online just curious to see what it was up to these days and came across the Woodcraft Laws. I never really remember taking these too seriously when I was younger, but reading them now they could practically be my bible. Not that I live them to a T, but I try. I can’t help it if I’m not that brave but I’m always ready to fight wildfire in forest and town. Woodcraft Laws: Beauty
Truth
Fortitude
Love
Seek the joy of being alive, suckas! Maybe that camp was onto something because these sound like a serious recipe for quality living. If the antiquated 1920’s cabin language just flew over you head, let me translate: Don’t be a bug crushing slob who eats fast food everyday. Don’t be a scammer or a hustler, because that shit’s annoying. You don’t have to believe in god, but understand that there are energies running this shit that you may not understand, but should respect. Don’t be a pussy. Don’t be a douche. But most of all, have fun.. because life is a party, bro. I am 27 and just started seeing a man who is 35 and divorced, no children. I have never dated anyone who is divorced and it is kind of different. I am afraid that if we get serious, it will not be as special to him since he has already been there and done that. If we get married, I will not be the first he has a wedding with or the first he lives with………..I don’t mean to sound selfish, it is just different. I guess I am wondering if divorced men see later relationships as not as important as their first marriage and how they feel about that. Also, is he too old for me? Am I too young to date someone who has been married when I have not even lived with anyone before. My family does not approve at all. They say he is too old and is “tainted” because he is divorced and that I can never trust him. I know I have to make myself happy, not my parents, but it is so hard to live my life without their approval. They make my life a living hell without it. I just want their approval and to hear someone say what I am doing is ok. I have a good job, master’s degree, my own place to live………………am I stupid or are they? I think you have two different questions here? Are you trying to milk the ape out of me. Before I answer them, can I selfishly hog this space to talk about things I feel like mentioning that have nothing to do with divorced men? I can? Thanks. First off, word of the day… “shoeneakers”. Those hideous shoe/sneaker square-toed monsters that dudes with tight v-neck megaprinted T-shirts and distressed denim military hats wear. Bonus (negative) points if worn with equally distressed boot-cut pocket flap jeans with frayed cuffs. Sadly, a popular look. Also in fashion news, spotted a pair of Croc heels at the Grove last Saturday. The end is nigh. Irrelevant information #2: Do you ever think about your first words of the day, or the first you hear someone speak? It’s usually more noticeable when the day has carried on a bit, prompting a personal self-observation like “woa.. that’s the first thing I said today.” The other day I was having a quiet word-free morning with my dogs before finally going to the cafe to get some coffee. It was passing the tables in front when I noticed the first human conversation of the day. He is one of those cafe regulars that you just know annoy the fuck out of the employees, so they have some secret nickname for him like “fatte” or “annoyatron” or “cafe overstay”. As I’m walking past he is just yammering loudly into his blackberry. It went something like “oh.. dude.. dude.. I told her.. the last time a girl touched my knee like that…” Seeing that the morning was still half full at this point.. I’m thinking he is going to end this sentence with something sweet like “I married her..” or “we dated for 10 years..” He continued on.. repeating his words often signifying that the person on the other end of the cellular connection was also telling their own story instead of listening to his. “The last time a girl touched my knee like that? Dude. I bent her over, put it in and pulled her hair.. no shit dude.” Seriously. Hello Monday morning. O.k…Dating divorced guys. I don’t know if you can necessarily pigeon hole a divorced guy as being a certain way. I’d tell you that a divorced guy would never in his life do it again, but judging by the amount of multiple marriages out there we all know that isn’t true. I would also say that you might have to twist their arm a little more to get married, but could it be any worse than it is with some “never married” guys? I don’t think so. When you get down to the nitty-shitty, if there aren’t any kids involved, a divorced guy is just another dude with a history like the other 100% of them. Some guys have restraining orders against them, others owned a house with a girlfriend, and some got married. It’s all goes in the giant blender of “his past history” stories. Maybe someone dating a divorced guy can debunk this, but again.. I have a feeling it’ll just be more relationship problems.. maybe divorced ones, but they all have problems. Is that making sense? I guess question number two can tie into number one, because again I don’t think the facts you’re giving me would be the ones to take down a good relationship. He might be a total douche divorcee who is bald and dating a young girl or he could be the nicest guy in the world who happened to meet a woman a little younger than himself. I have a feeling if your parents don’t like him, there might be more to it than the age and status. Like maybe they can tell he is a total douche and you’re just not seeing it. Or maybe they are total pains in the ass and you shouldn’t worry about it because everyone is going to be “not good enough” in their eyes. Which one is it? To quote Smush “dunno, rilly…” But if you really make the right choice, they’ll (usually) support you either way. So here is what you do.. (huddle in…) I hate to give some bullshit advice like “just follow your heart” but that’s basically the answer. What I mean is, try and tune all that noise out of the equation and just see the person for who you see them as. Are they nice, wholesome, polite, or whatever it is you’re into? If it’s a yes, then roll with it. If you suspect things are weird with old-man divorcee, then they probably are. The thing is, we all know our own answers. They are in there somewhere. The hard part is figuring them out. But it starts by only listening to yourself because no one else has your answers. |
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